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Being a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to have sex with other men once more.

Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I want another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.

Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the value of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist practices as a American therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.